Love will expose our demons, but will not take our peace.

Conflicting social media messages is making this subject muddy! So lets go at it.

I have seen a regular trend of posts and clips that tells you not to let someone take your peace. But that becomes kind of amusing in a way. Because the people who need to learn not to let others take their peace are not usually getting the message because it is a statement with no training on a skill they already do not have. “Don't wreck the car!” - Well I don't know how to drive one sooo.

While others who have inflated egos seem to think that anyone who creates conflict within them is “disrupting their peace”. They are unhealthy and deserve to be cut off if they make me feel uncomfortable in any way.

But there is a balance here. There is a healthy way to allow people to help you see something in yourself that is not helping you. That Mirror that shows you the best and worst side of you. What is the difference? How do you know it? And how can you tell if someone is disturbing your PEACE or if they are unveiling an unhealed side of you that needs to be dealt with.

So let me be very clear here, I … at one point. I was the kind of person that had very low self esteem, was pretty arrogant, and projected a lot of my anger and fear onto the “safest” people in my life. In ways that I am not proud of, as a matter of fact I am pretty ashamed of. One night I even made a scene in IHOP, treated my best friend like garbage and walked out. We laugh about it. But that was no laughing matter. I don't care if I was drunk, or how hurt I was. Treating someone that would move heaven and earth for me like THEY are the problem was disgusting.

I wanted a baseball bat for the universe. I wanted to scream and give up. But I also didn't want either. I wanted something to go right for me just once. And I wanted the world to see the truth behind the veil. That nothing was ever what they thought it was. I wanted to be held and cared for when I was in pieces. And I wanted someone just once, to come in and hold me. But no one ever did. Not ever! I felt so separated from all connection that I felt the lone wolf rage of FINE THEN EVERY ONE CAN GET F’D. They might call from a distance, “CHECK IN” which I could always tell was their good deed for the day. But T would drive hours to get to me. Just to have one night being us and laughing. TO put a smile on my face. She had no idea the darkness that was in me at that moment. She didn't know alcohol was probably NOT a good idea for someone who’s at war with the isolation they require and hate. She was someone that would do anything for me and she thought being there and having a good time would do it. But what she got was a horrible human being projecting my darkness and self hate all over her.

Seeing people who LOVE you will reflect something back to you that will make you feel uncomfortable. Push you from a comfort zone to face demons you do not want to admit exist. They will call you out, or maybe hold on to you while you rage out of control. But you have to own it. THAT is a mirror. That is revealing who YOU are. If YOU are the one who is attacking someone that loves you. It is your demons you are attacking. Not them. They are not taking your peace or energy or disrupting something. They have so much love their love is revealing something. And your mind is trying to find the blame in them. Well THEY are… and they said… and they did… NO You did not like the demon within, THEIR love and light reveals it and YOU are required to grow from it OR not.

Together we fight the problem NOT each other.

Someone that DOES take your peace… Someone that takes your peace will make every situation about their needs and wants. They demand that you go their way without listening or respecting your voice. Someone that takes your peace does not care for your boundaries.

Ha In that same time frame . I had plenty of people that would call and “check” on me. They wanted to know what was going on, wanted to know the details. Wanted to give me the gossip they heard about my ex. Wanted to tell me things that hurt. They seemed to get some kind of validation if they called and talked for 30 min, made me cry by getting me to “OPEN UP” but offered absolutely nothing to the healing except hallmark platitudes or “I will pray for you” statements. In reality being in the KNOW made THEM feel important and standing with me in the darkness meant NOTHING to them. THAT is disrupting someone's peace.

Another way is not allowing autonomy. If I have a pattern of things I do for my day and you disrupt that not because you had a flat but because you just have to interrupt people then you are disrupting their peace. If someone is attacking you endlessly interrogating you and making you feel regularly like YOU are NOT ENOUGH. They are disrupting your peace. News flash … Someone getting on your nerves and stepping on your toes is not disrupting your peace, they are human. Disrupting someone's peace would make them feel they are not enough, and have no autonomy. Abusers use “TRUST” to disrupt peace. They know they are liars so they interrogate you for lying. They require all of you without question and instead of understanding that trust comes in levels with time and consistency they demand it all the moment you show up.

Healthy trust is earned. I give you an apple and you appreciate the apple. You give me an orange and I appreciate the orange. Someone that is selfish and stealing your peace or energy will demand that you give them everything and maybe they will not do it outright. They will do it in passive ways like “I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE” then when they think you aren't giving them all the information they want from you they will accuse you of LYING.

You do NOT need to tell anyone anything you do not feel comfortable telling them as long as that thing does not affect them. My SPOUSE is not ENTITLED to know the details of me being sexually assaulted. That happened years ago and if/ WHEN I want to address that I will. No one is ever entitled to anything you have experienced.

Someone who wants to build trust and cares about who you are will make space and time however long that takes for you both to build trust in a way that will benefit the relationship long term. Someone who is stealing your peace will demand every truth RIGHT NOW and every thought right now. Funny thing is they will also make you feel small for those truths and will use them against you like ammo when needed. Oftentimes the ammo they use is a total lie clothed in your truth.

I have a family member that liked to bring up an argument my twins father had with them. He was trying to be protective of me and the twins and called them a name. This person kept bringing that up, making it a joke. Brought it up in public and made him look ridiculous because they want someone else to be the fool. But that was not remotely the truth. Finally I explained - Look… you seem to bring that up a lot and though we might not be together I don't appreciate you twisting a day YOU were a monster into deflecting on HIM as the tool. You punched me in the head multiple times, terrified my children called me a WHORE and other horrific untrue things. 911 operator was screaming TELL THEM THEY ARE COMMITING A FELONY RIGHT NOW. The police begged me to let them arrest you. And you lie and tell other people they were on YOUR side and wanted YOU to have me arrested. But yet YOU got the ticket and I got a packet on domestic violence. And the part YOU bring up in public is the person who came to help his kids is the problem. Well ok then. If you bring that up again I will make sure everyone within earshot is aware of the WHOLE TRUTH. While you were high on pills you assaulted me in front of my children, lied about it, told other people huge lies about it, and kept lying about it. I PROTECTED YOUR REPUTATION BY NOT SAYING A WORD BUT THAT TIME IS OVER IF YOU BRING THAT UP AGAIN.

Because in reality it was not about this person making him look bad. They abused me and still refuse to take responsibility for it. Yet remind me of the entire lie in public as often as possible. Because if you REACT to that trigger YOU are the crazy one. Well call me crazy because I will tell the truth with a smile on my face.

THAT is TAKING peace. I will let you have your lie but you do not get to use it against me. That is YOUR lie. You wanna lie about how horrible you were. I will tell the world the truth. Not for vengeance sake. But because no longer will I sit in silence while you treat me like garbage. Don't like it then take yourself out. My peace is healing all of me and sadly that includes parts of you. If you are going to keep ripping open old wounds the response to that is on you.

We are not required to allow people to take swings at us. Make us feel small and helpless. We are not required to allow people to humiliate us or use us as targets. We are not required to spill the beans to anyone and everyone who WANTS to know. Those are the abusive patterns and responses we were taught by unhealthy people. And standing your gound in love is the best response even if it took you 20 years to make that stand. Someone stealing your peace will not offer you love, real joy, acceptance, peace, choices, confidence and usually have no concept that their path is NOT everyone's path. Someone who is coming for your peace will either disrupt your path in passive ways or boldly demand that you change your path to look just like theirs.

Remember that it is healthy for people who love us and build us up to say - Hey this is not good for you. You are putting your faith in something that might hurt you. Or you are wrong. But remember that people who LOVE you will have spent time appreciating you for all you are and will still appreciate you if you disagree with them.

My Spiritual Brother -

Hey sis! Where you go I go. What battle you fight I will be right there with you. I am not leaving you. Don't do this. You shouldn't fight this battle it's not yours to fight. But if you choose to fight I am fighting with you. Just think for a min. Do you want me to fight this battle? We both know it isn't gonna be pretty. I am ready for it. But before you choose to step into this, is it a place you are willing to take me? If you are ok with me taking hits in this war then lets roll. I am ready, little sister!

He called out my ability to be self destructive in my pursuit to save someone else. While I was willing to put myself in harm's way to save someone else. I was NOT willing to put him in it. This mirror allowed me to see that I loved what would harm me more than myself. I loved my brother more than myself. And I need to find out why didn't love myself enough to refuse to risk my life for someone who would not risk pride for me. THAT is a mirror LOVE will give you. It pissed me off. But I knew he was right. Though love required me to sit and listen when someone I cared about was being toxic in their darkest moments. It did NOT require me to drown myself to save them.

In the darkest hour, when the demons come. Call on me brother and we will fight them together.